Compiled by the Administrators of the Outsiders Clubhouse
Diego Soto-Miranda, who is a barrister with Progressive Spinal Atrophy wrote:
“Finding a woman is all about maximising circumstance:
• make her laugh
• be very polite, and
• figure out what she wants and give it to her.
A wheelchair does not come into the equation. Few girls say they want someone to climb Everest with them. Usually, they want respect, appreciation, someone to listen, but overall the best aphrodisiac is laughter.
Make her feel like the centre of the universe.”
Here are some of the concerns we hear from women in the Outsiders club about some male members, and the men tell us what holds them back:
Feeling Desperate for Love and Sex?
Best go and see a sex worker to wipe that desperation off your face! Women don’t want a desperate partner – but somebody who will listen calmly and be supportive and not pushy. Texting in the middle of the night is a no-no. Ask a woman when she would like to speak, for you to text or get in touch on messenger or contact in any other way.
Feeling nobody will want you now you are disabled
Having a feeling of lack of self worth is not appealing to a woman. Dress in clothes which feel nice to the touch and look clean and attractive – have a good haircut and look happy.
You can’t get an erection so there is no point in having a relationship
This is only true for a small proportion of women – hard cocks are not what most women yearn for. They would much prefer goal free sex – where erections, penetration and orgasm are not aimed at but you both live in the moment and enjoy each others’ bodies with yours – for example wrap your arms around each other, touch your bodies all over, look into each other’s eyes and use your mouths to kiss, suck and lick.
We suggest you tell her you are too shy and ask her kindly to make the moves toward
There is a useful book by Carol Queen called Exhibitionism for the Shy which I recommend.
Lacking Confidence and having social anxiety
One way of building confidence could be by presenting oneself in an erotic way, through dress, speech and behaviour. This doesn’t have to mean dressing as a stripper or dandy, but some find that it can help them to come out of their shell by expressing themselves as more outwardly playful, open and relaxed.
Social anxiety can e helped with a good Cognitive Behaviour therapist if you can afford one, or get it funded – and take notice of what they tell you.
Tell the lady you have social anxiety and discuss ways you can get together that will work.
You would probably like to look a Rhod Gilbert’s work :Stand up to shyness.
Rhod is famous comedian whose job it is to entertain thousands, is shy, painfully shy. In his documentary he explores the reasons that so many people consider themselves to be shy and what can be done to tackle it. He speaks to professionals and candidly to camera about the things be finds difficult or impossible – things he feels he should be able to do without a second thought, like going into a cafe, ordering a coffee and drinking alone. He mentions his avoidance tactics and honestly admits that even making the documentary meant talking to strangers which makes him highly uncomfortable.
He meets others who are similarly afflicted and discovers that he is by no means alone – almost 50% of people polled admit to being shy.. He also helps three self-confessed socially anxious people to overcome the huge hurdle of doing a short stand up comedy routine in front of an audience. All three are terribly anxious, but with his help they manage to overcome the nerves, give laudable performances and benefit from the appreciation and affirmation the audience are able to give them.
An amusing and insightful documentary for anyone who suffers from social anxiety of any kind – well worth an hour of your time.
This is the link to his work : http://www.studentnewspaper.org/stand-up-to-shyness/. The whole documentary can be found by Googling Rhod Gilbert stand up to shyness and looking at the videos that match the search. The video is an hour long. The other link is only to a written description of the programme.