by Dr Tuppy Owens with some of the men with high functioning autism in the Outsiders Club
Each of you will be different but there are traits that some have in common. Thankfully, most of them are things that really appeal to women.
You are often:
(1) good at learning rules
(3) nice and considerate
(4) very intelligent
(5) very knowledgeable on certain subjects
(6) like pleasing people
(7) able to focus on, and give attention to detail
(8) have a photogenic memory
(9) able to impersonate
(10) have a good sense of humour.
How we can help other Men with Aspergers put these skills to best use, to help them ?
1) Write rules about finding girls, starting relationships and making love
2) Say when it’s not helpful to be too truthful
3) Tell them how women like men to be nice and show consideration
4) Say how to use their intelligence without putting women off
5) Advise them to study information on sex and relationships to become very knowledgeable on the subject
6) Advise them to learn ways to please women they fancy
7) Advise them on what to focus on, and what will impress women with regards to attention their photogenic memory to remember her birthday and things she likes
9) Advise them to impersonate the woman to make her feel comfortable, for example they mimic the woman’s posture, likes, etc.
10) Advise them to use their sense of humour to their best advantage.
Problems men may have that put women off
There can be irritating and off-putting traits about Aspergers men which include:-
1) Going on about things we are interested in, like trains, – this will probably bore them
2) We cannot deal with more than one thing at a time
3) We need permission to bend the rules
4) We may need a quiet space whereas some women may prefer somewhere buzzing
5) We may not realise what is appropriate, and where
6) We may need time for social and emotional progress
7) We prefer explicit instruction rather than using their imagination
8) We may have difficulty processing facial expressions or express emotions through their own facial expressions and they may have difficulties expressing emotions verbally
9) We cannot show empathy and sympathy
10) We cannot tolerate certain materials, textures, foods, colours etc.
11) We cannot tolerate being touched on certain parts of the body
12) Our bodily reaction to stress and arousal can be very different to others.
Some Aspies may become sexually aware later than others and maybe sexually inexperienced and need to explain this in private.
But a way around these things is that the woman can provide guidelines to help you overcome them, so they do not effect her. Perhaps, for example, she needs someone else to provide her with empathy when she feels upset or down. It’s up to youto write down their limitations, and give the list to they lady, soon after meeting her
You could show her this list and ask her to adapt to suit herself.
Lists of things we think might be useful:
a) List of where to find women
Of course, this may depend on lifestyle, any beliefs or religion, politics, sexual tastes etc., but here are some examples:
1) Outsiders Club
2) Cafes, events, and holidays in pretty places and for gentle pursuits
3) Evening classes in things like cooking, massage, homeopathy, amateur dramatics, foreign languages, yoga. Not photography, model engines, cars, politics, record (or any other) collecting, computers.
c) Good Sex Books to read to become an expert on women’s bodies and functioning
1) The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability
2) The New Joy of Sex
3) The Sex Book
4) A Guide to Getting it on
5) Sex with the lights on
d) Enjoying sex
1) Communication: it’s a good idea if they and their partner make a list of the things that you each like. Then, make a second list of things you each would like their partner to do or try sexually. Make a third list of things that you each do not particularly enjoy sexually. Then sit down together and share the items on your lists. Ask each other whether the items makes sense, whether you can agree on any, and how you might go about implementing the things that each of you want and don’t want.
2) if you have hyper sensitivity to touch – best tell your partner where and when your body can be hugged or touched.
3) Remember that sexual intercourse is neither essential to a good sex life nor the only way of enjoying sex. Tantric sex involves living in the moment to enjoy being together and each other’s bodies. Kissing, stroking (remembering any hyper sensitivity) and oral sex can all be enjoyed massively.
4) Almost every couple finds that one wants more sex than the other, or at different times of the day, maybe when you wake up, in the evening or last thing at night. This may need discussions and compromises.
5) Don’t give up when you find you have stopped having sex – see a sex therapist .
e) Why it can be very difficult
In the past few decades, women have become more assertive and the feminist movement has been very influential. This is good because we don’t want women just to be passive sit-at-home people who can’t manage their own affairs. However, feminism has brought with it the concept that men are all football hooligans (unless you are gay) and abusive to women. Men, especially white men, have been made to feel bad about being horny and about approaching women because they fancy them. All men are suffering, except the most outgoing and extrovert. Men with Aspergers are hit much worse than others because they tend to take things at face value. When you are told that approaching girls is abusive, you will be afraid to ever approach them. You will become even more timid.
In fact, women like a man to both confidently whisk them off their feet, be like a “knight in shining armour” as well as being gentle. Some women would really like to have a man as a partner, but the man must have the courage to approach them (and not bore them). I know that acceptance is one of Aspies’ biggest issues, especially when it comes to relationships with women.
What can help?
Some people with Aspergers have said that going to amateur dramatics or drama therapy can help them. It can give them practice in expressing feelings such as ‘I feel confused about what you want to do with me – please tell me how you feel and what you want.’
Another idea is to use the website Second Life, which is for for adult role playing whicht you can use for practiing at socialising.
Suggestions about approaching women for the first time
1) Read up to become knowledgable (see list of books etc.) to give you confidence
2) Say something nice about her or what’s going on around you both (humour is helpful)
3) Smile and don’t bore them talking about yourself or your hobbies
4) Ask her a question about her life (e.g. “what is your favourite early memory)
5) Tell her how impressive that is and, to show you were listening.
6 Ask her a follow-up question, something like if she’d like to do something similar
7) If yes, offer to take her to do this favourite thing or something similar
8) Research how to do this.
9) Give her your phone number and ask for hers.
10) Ask her out on a date, there and then, or later by phone