by Derek

I acquired arthritic damage to both knees and elbows as a consequence of haemophilia which led to many difficulties and the need to find a pleasant non-dangerous sport or pastime. Sex was the only one of the available leisure activities that appealed to me.

My partner and subsequent partners providing less of a challenge once past the initial phase. I turned to what is generally known as the swinging lifestyle but which I know as recreational sex. For me that means swapping partners, same room or separate, threesomes, moresomes and parties.

My partners and I found fun, friendship and fucking in the lifestyle. Our trust in each other developed and evolved through difficult times and happy sexual times together and much talking.

Bringing others into physical intimacy may resurrect a negative self-image and the thought that a partner may prefer the less ‘problematic’ healthy individual who’s now on the scene. These reservations are normal and need to be talked through before taking action. On the couple of times I was actively involved in recreational sex, I had ‘able-bodied’ partners and was not as obviously disabled as some others and could, to put it crudely, pass for an ablebod (my derogatory term). Indeed, I have been told that old friends didn’t realise I had a physical problem. Once my trousers were off, the knobbly knees and skinny legs became obvious but differences in body shape being normal no-one ever commented or appeared to be put off. My knees and elbows being damaged by haemophilic arthritis, some fucking positions were not possible or uncomfortable to maintain. My avoidance of these situations was always accepted as my preferred choice and nothing more. Once friendship developed, if it did, then I revealed all and my physical aspect never led to an adverse reaction from those we shared our sex lives with. I know I was lucky.

Those with more extensive impairments might not find it so easy. Fear of losing their partner may be particularly intense. A temptation the insecure may entertain is to participate as an exercise in giving the partner enough rope ‘Does he/she really want to be with me or if given the opportunity would they leave.’ Not a good way to indulge the self. That’s not to say self-indulgence is a bad thing. In general, if you can’t indulge yourself who can ? The little jolt of butterflies on a first encounter and wondering what will happen or what might happen is part of the attraction for me. I was never worried about my partner going off with the other and never felt jealous of the attention she was getting. Too big an ego in the first instance and too voyeuristic in the second. Besides I trusted her fully. When my partners left eventually it was not the fault of the recreational sex, but a gradual growing apart.

A couple of times we shared with couples where both partners had impairments. The impairments never got in the way as all four adapted to each other’s needs. This situation allowed a positive opportunity to develop the capacity for empathy as well as have a raunchy time. At times we enjoyed threesomes with men and women, neither of us being bi-sexual but me with a strong voyeuristic tendency and my partner an exhibitionist side this worked out well most times. A couple of the guys had physical impairments, and one of the ladies. The husband in one married couple we visited regularly also had problems with his legs having been badly injured in a bike accident. As we had similar impairments and limited as to positions, perhaps that was why we got on so well. Boring competitiveness didn’t get a look-in.

The possibilities, while not endless, are many and varied and there are a number of organisations groups and magazines where a search for like-minded adults may be made. ‘Disabled sex contacts’ in your search engine will provide a list. It is best to draw a line that prohibits existing friends, neighbours or workmates unless you crave the disapproval of your community! Your private joys will soon become the focus of gossip even if promises of silence are made. The only talking that’s essential is between partners in order to find out what each wants, set agreed limits, select a code word or short phrase to indicate when you ‘want out’ of a situation or likewise on meeting off-putting potential friends.

Several of the people I’ve mentioned belonged to The Outsiders and a couple were contacted by us through magazines. We were always very selective and made very few mistakes. Those who bragged of their prowess, attractiveness and status or showed too revealing a picture were dismissed out of hand. As were those into pain. I’d had enough pain throughout my life and the only time we were persuaded to inflict it on a willing victim it did nothing for us. Be positive, know what you want and what you don’t and let no-one persuade you into something you feel unhappy about.

Arrange a first meeting somewhere public and make no promises, all involved will know why they’re there and it will soon become clear whether it’s worth proceeding. Exchange contact details, you’re going to want to talk the meeting over and decide whether to follow the contact up or not. The same will be true for the other party. It can be embarrassing phoning to say no deal but do it anyway. Sugar coat it by saying how good it was to meet but on balance you want to leave it there, no-one’s going to argue.

Fantasising during sex is inevitable and if you can share your fantasies you’re probably ready to try enacting them. But, there are pitfalls and difficulties to be aware of. It’s easy for one partner to impose their wants or needs on to the other in such a way that, although they go along with and participate, it’s not what they would have chosen. ” I’m doing it/did it for you” may be a true statement that spoils the experience for the one so obviously pandered to or can be used to hide sudden guilty feelings or may be the truth. I knew a married couple where the woman was dominant and the husband submissive and he went along with whatever pleased her. If it pleases you to go ahead with something that’s more to your partner’s taste though you’re not overly enthusiastic about it, you may be surprised and enjoy it after all. Open and honest communication should sort this out long before it becomes a problem.

Jealousy is of course a possibility and can be destructive if allowed to fester. So, how to avoid it?

If you are secure in the knowledge that you’re the best thing in your partner’s life then you understand that whatever the attraction felt you have nothing to fear. If not, and you are incapable of being reassured a sex life extended beyond your relationship, these arrangements are not for you. To avoid your partner becoming jealous, go easy on praising the other, who may unconsciously be perceived as a threat. Don’t be tempted to compare even if prompted. Remember, and make it plain to your partner, he/she is the one you need to be with and the other is an occasional extra thrill.

Most of what you’ve read so far has been aimed at couples but singles are obviously needed at least for a threesome. Those whose thing is watching or being watched, should not be put off, they may be just what some others are seeking. As an extra in the sex life of a couple, you may feel like a toy used only for one purpose. If so, move on, but it is possible to meet those who enjoy your company in every way and as mentioned above, become friends.

Positive benefit may arise, where the male partner is unable to achieve or maintain an erection and a male swinger joins the couple to provide a thrill for the female. This may rectify the male’s problem with a non-upstanding cock as the pressure to ‘perform’ is less and will provide enjoyment for the female.

Two blind couples getting together to talk about, or indulge in sex as a foursome, may have a lot to offer in sharing ideas and a better tactile experience. For instance: one of the four as the focus of the other three’s caressing and anything else that everyone agrees on.

Finally, if you decide to try recreational sex, remember you’re seeking to increase the joy in your life not difficulties. Should one of you not be happy with the idea, leave well alone. Fantasy only may be the more positive option for you.