Communicating with a Sex Worker
How to ensure you get what you need from your booking
How to let a sex worker know what you want
I am a sex worker in the UK. I have been working for several years and enjoy seeing disabled clients. I am on the TLC-Trust.org.uk where I feel safe and happy in my work.
I have found that disabled people often struggle to get the support they need to hire a sex worker. If you have this problem you need to know that it is illegal not to support disabled people to enjoy the same pleasures as others enjoy in the privacy of the their own homes (Equality Act 2010, Human Rights Act 1998).
Too often, disabled people think they need to have the same kind of sex that they see non-disabled people having on television, i.e. man on top sexual intercourse. This is nonsense as I shall describe below.
You may also struggle to talk about your sexual needs and I hope this chapter will help you to gain confidence to articulate them clearly.
If you are a female seeking a male escort, be very careful to select a really professional one as many male amateurs seek sex with females pretending to be sex workers. The TLC website, www.TLC-Trust.org.uk suggests you call them to ensure you get the best possible service.
Sex workers who enjoy seeing disabled clients generally advertise on TLC, but Adult Work also vets their service providers thoroughly.
You then need to call, text, or email the sex worker of your choice. In all cases, if your disability allows for it, (and they provide an email address) it’s much better to email them initially, with a simple introduction and an outline of who you are, where you are, and what exactly you are looking for. If your disability does not allow you to write or speak, then you need to nominate a member of your care team (this can be a friend, parent, family member, support worker or advocate. In some cases it can also be the agency that co ordinates your care plan) to initiate contact on your behalf.
Explaining to your care co-coordinators/parents/care agency that you have sexual desire and urges can be daunting. Try to remember that sexual needs are normal and natural, so be matter of fact and clear about your own needs and the way you wish to address them (even if this is just to explore). It’s important that you decide what you want to do, and who with, and this should be as normal as planning any other aspect of your care.
Some agencies and individuals will be very open to the suggestion – they may be tolerant, sex positive, or may simply have dealt with situation before. Others may not be willing to support you in this important personal need. At these times, it may be helpful to point your care agency/caregiver towards the TLC website, as they are excellent at clearly setting out the case for a sexual personal life. Remember, not supporting you in this way is actually illegal.
It is important to think through what exactly you are looking for prior to making contact with a sex worker. Your first email or text should include, outlining your situation and what you seek: you may wish to lose your virginity, explore your sexuality, enjoy an orgasm, or simply experience anothers’ touch, being held and embraced.
Tuppy’s tip from the TLC-trust.org.uk website is ‘If you feel grubby seeking a sex worker because of society’s stigmatization of the trade, look upon it as an education – a chance to learn what your body is capable of enjoying and how to pleasure a partner’.
You may feel that you just wish to kiss, or that you don’t want any sexual contact at all – that’s fine too. Touch is very important to human beings, intimacy may be missing from your life, so, feel free to explore what you need.
Touch means different things to different people. For some this could be a simple massage, others may have a very fixed sexual fantasy they wish to try. In all cases, do not be afraid to state exactly what you are looking for – if the sex worker doesn’t offer what you are looking for the introduction stage is a good time to find out. It may be that you don’t know what you are looking for, which can often be the case when sexual experience is limited. Feel free to explain that too, sex workers are well versed in helping you to explore your body and your desires.
A sex worker can help you stop feeling ashamed of your body or the fact that you cannot get an erection or manage to masturbate. Even if you only want to be cuddled, you could also ask for a hand-job or stimulation of another erogenous zone to enjoy an orgasm.
Do not be disheartened if you do not make arrangement with the first person of your choice. There is always someone else! It helps to be clear, polite and positive in your communications. Some sex workers cannot travel, some don’t have wheelchair access to their place of work. No matter, move on. There will always be someone to meet your needs.
Mobility/ physical ability is an important issue for the sex worker of your choice to be aware of. If you have limited mobility and/or complex needs it could be best that the sex worker can come to your home – she/he will need to be aware of what is possible, preferably before they arrive. If you wear a catheter or ostomy bag, need a hoist or a specialist bed, inform the escort in advance. They can then plan the session to suit your needs and time is not taken up addressing them. Equally, the escort that you choose will find it helpful if you explain who you will have in your home at the time they may be there, so if your care workers will be there, let the lady/gentleman know in advance. If possible give their name and position in your care team.
Talking to your carer staff/PAs is imperative. They are best placed to help you achieve your goals. Let them know that you have arrangements in advance and respect that they may not always agree with your choice – but they should help you facilitate your choices as long as they aren’t harmful to you. It may be that they prepare you for your appointment and then leave, it may be that they have to remain in the next room- in all cases, for your safety, inform them of your plans.
Safety is an important matter to consider. It is always better to search for sex workers who have been recommended to you, either through sites such as TLC or word of mouth. Always make sure that someone is aware of your plans and that you have means to contact someone should plans change or problems arise.
Condoms are always provided by the sex worker of your choice, but if you have a preference in brand or size feel free to use your own. After becoming sexually active, you will also need to be screened for STI’s regularly, the use of condoms makes the risks much lower and the procedure much less stressful but you never know whether the condom will stay on, ort split. Some people only have hand jobs
Some escorts prefer a range of new clients rather than repeats, while other like to stay seeing clients they have chemistry with.